The 2024 Turkey Awards

An annual tradition for a quarter of a century! This is my list of ridiculous people from 2024 (so far). Pass me one of those rolls, please:

• The Greasy Gravy Award for oily publicity that makes the main dish inedible goes to advocates of "open AI" who are carefully ignoring that they're running Eliza on processors, memory, storage systems, an peripherals from displays to input devices all considerably more advanced than real AI conceived at roughly the same time — with the same sort of hallucinations and bullshitting, like in the clip.
• The Red-Tide Oyster Stuffing Award for carelessly poisoning an otherwise tasty dish goes to the major-party candidates for President — not excluding the last-second replacement. My generation needs to get off the ballot (and doubly so for its predecessors), and especially out of the smoke-filled back rooms that act as gatekeepers on who can get a party endorsement in the first place. During an era of accelerating change, "old and wise" is usually PR bullshit for "decrepit, ignorant, and slow to adapt."
• The Broken Wishbone Award for shattering dreams goes to everyone excoriated here on 23 May. Unfortunately, it's probably too many miscreants to actually get a grip on that wishbone.
• The Golden Gristle Award for assertions far too difficult to digest (and usually stuck in one's teeth) goes to McZorgle's for its latest trademark overreach (with an unexpectedly delicious result).
• The Conspicuous Consumption Cranberry Relish Award for the most-outrageous example thereof goes to the 0.001% with their purchase of politicians everywhere. This isn't exactly new — politicians have always been for sale, or at least long-term lease — but, surprisingly, it's even more outrageous than overpriced artwork "originals" this year.
• The Crabapple Pie Award for marketing something sour as something sweet goes to Moms for Theocracy Liberty and their demand to be treated like and have the powers of the government while ignoring core limitations on government (like accountability).
• The Wilted Salad Award for the one part of the meal that's supposed to be "good for you," but is instead rather past its sell-by date, goes to Robert F. Kennedy… Junior. His only apparent qualification for office is his surname (and even that family of loyalists has repudiated him). Not to mention fluoridation, Mandrake — and he's just as well-balanced and fact-oriented as BG Ripper (and equally likely to attack the wrong target for the wrong reasons).
• The Brussels Sprout Award for stinky, slimy, overcooked, gentrified little cabbages goes to everyone involved in the struggle to control Paramount, none of whom actually have had a damned thing to do with building that monstrosity (let alone with any creative decisions).
• The Dried-Out Breastmeat Award for overcooking the books goes to my friends across the lake who are convinced they can speed up publishing by naming their new imprint and process after a microprocessor suitable primarily for primitive games. At least they didn't name it after the processor that was foundation of their company's operating-system success — a processor that was intentionally crippled. Meanwhile, it wasn't the processor at all that ultimately mattered (the Motorola 68xx and 68xxx series were both considerably superior to their Intel counterparts), but the software, peripherals, price points, and above all the documentation and training. Why, no, of course I'm not suggesting any parallels there.
• The Rancid Drumstick Award for something that should be edible, but isn't, goes to state-level bar regulators whose (inept) efforts destroy public confidence in the courts and legal system. Do you need a few more examples? Damn, there are more legs stuck out than on a terducken made of a cuttlefish stuffed inside an octupus stuffed inside a squid — hiding behind a cloud of ink…
• The GMO Tofurkey Roast Award for a main-dish item that's supposed to be more wholesome, nutritious, and/or ethical, but merely hides something that's perhaps worse under that veneer of virtue, goes to the Heritage Foundation, which begins the deceptions with its very name (if nothing else, by denying the role of slavery and plutocracy in America's "states' rights" heritage).
• The Unwanted Obligatory Guest Award for the guest at the banquet that you had to invite (but wish you didn't have to because you knew would spoil everything) goes to El0n Mu5k for more reasons than I can list here. His immigration to the US as an opportunistic draft-dodger from a shithole country (without respecting admittedly ridiculous visa restrictions that by their nature select for anyone but the tired, the poor, the wretched refuse of teeming shores) is just the start.
• Special Limited Time Offer! The Uninspected-Produce E. Coli Baby Carrot Medley Award for discrediting an office goes to Matt Gaetz, whose only qualification to fulfille the duties of the office he was nominated for (and, for that matter, the office that he had) was undue familiarity with the concept of "barely legal" (see 18 U.S.C. § 2421 et seq.; see also Fla. Stat. § 794.05). Notwithstanding his denials, there's enough other evidence to infer squickiness, regardless of whether that evidence meets the criminal standard of proof (that is, beyond a reasonable doubt). It's pretty obvious that the individual who nominated him prepared this dish didn't wash the produce or his hands, and I'm afraid this contaminated dish is making me sick to my stomach.

Looks like there wasn't enough room on the buffet table this year for pets from Springfield, which is probably just as well — we're going to be stuck with that guy for a loooooooooong time, maybe even long enough to move up from the kids' table. Maybe next year he can be the Unwanted Obligatory Guest… almost certainly by 2028.