26 November 2020

The 2020 Turkey Awards

An annual tradition for over two decades! This is my list of ridiculous people from 2020 (so far). This could have been entirely about one very orange person, but I made an effort to diversify. A little bit, anyway. Pass me one of those rolls, please:

  • The Greasy Gravy Award for oily publicity that makes the main dish inedible goes to Faceplant and Mark I of Zuckerbergia. Which is a real achievement considering that "oily publicity" is the entire raison d'etre of Faceplant (so long as it's getting paid for that oily publicity).
  • The Red-Tide Oyster Stuffing Award for carelessly poisoning an otherwise tasty dish goes to Brewster Kahle and his Internet Archive (and, more generally, to the almost-entirely-white IWTBF movement).
  • The Broken Wishbone Award for shattering dreams goes to darling Harvey Weinstein, convicted rapist. With more than a little bit of Dishonorable Mention to the "casting couch" meme.
  • The Golden Gristle Award for assertions far too difficult to digest (and usually stuck in one's teeth) goes to Rudy Giuliani. I've never been a fan; I had questions about his inability to distinguish "law" from "political ambition" in the 1980s (which is no defense of those targeted in the "junk bond" prosecutions… most of which were enabled by career lawyers at the SEC who were sabotaged by political appointees at the top, leaving only criminal prosecution as an option).
  • The Conspicuous Consumption Cranberry Relish Award for the most-outrageous example thereof goes to T-Mobile. In this instance, it's gluttony with the explicit purpose of getting fat(ter).
  • The Crabapple Pie Award for marketing something sour as something sweet goes to not a person, but an event: Michael Flynn pardoned. I see no acceptance of responsibility or intent to do better here, which are historically the justifications for "pardons" (as distinct from "amnesty," and implicitly taking lessons in political morality from those two miscreants bothers me a great deal).
  • The Wilted Salad Award for the one part of the meal that's supposed to be "good for you," but is instead rather past its sell-by date, goes to Sen David Perdue (R-GA, at least until the runoff on 05 Jan 2021, and all you Georgians need to vote!). We'll leave aside the lack of jobs during a pandemic as entirely irrelevant.
  • The Brussels Sprout Award for stinky, slimy, overcooked, gentrified little cabbages goes to the current voter registration of the current resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenues, Washington, DC — a landlocked private island worthy of Dr Moreau. Or, more likely, Mr Roarke (including the white linen suit) (emphasis on "white").
  • The Dried-Out Breastmeat Award for overcooking the books goes to commercial "publishing" conglomerates. As just one example, consider the prospective merger of S&S and RandyPenguin, which could meet existing merger guidelines if, and only if, one ignores the most-profitable segments of their existing product lines. Meanwhile, the palpable relief that Sauron didn't win the bidding contest is not much consolation.
  • The Rancid Drumstick Award for something that should be edible, but isn't, goes to Boris Johnson (aka Less-Rich Trump). Fortunately for everyone, however, an undereducated Black footballer, barely out of his teens, who grew up in poverty himself, ensured something edible would be there.
  • The GMO Tofurkey Roast Award for a main-dish item that's supposed to be more wholesome, nutritious, and/or ethical, but merely hides something that's perhaps worse under that veneer of virtue, goes to the Romance Writers of America. I'm almost as impressed by their "ethics" mechanisms as I am by those of the United States Senate. Or the American bar.
  • Special Limited Time Offer! The Salmonella Carrot Medley (Artificial Color Added) Award for discrediting an office and a nation goes to this guy — but this offer expires on 20 January 2021 at 1700Z. Although now that I think about it, he'll continue to do so long after he's left office.