02 July 2020

Not So Anonymous


Hi. My name is [redacted], and I've been unjustly accused of being a Karen.

Hello, Karen.

See? That's exactly what I mean.

I can't help it if I have family wealth that I didn't earn. It really doesn't matter if I inherited it, or married it, or continue to leach it off my still-living relatives. What matters is that I've got it, and I'm in the top 10%, and that makes me one of what this country was made for. I'm exceptional. I'm the customer and therefore I'm right, even if there are other customers being inconvenienced so that you can meet my needs and whims. Even when playing with my dog in my park and I'm not technically a "customer," you must defer to me.

I not only want the pony, I've got the pony, and I deserve the pony. Disney princesses like me are entitled to our status (even that stupid "detective" Mira, and why is she some uncivilized foreigner anyway?). Greed is good, and our Christian God shows his favor by showering prosperity upon the deserving righteous. We know that we're deserving and righteous because we have the money. Even you morons who went to pathetic public schools should understand that the opposite is true, too: By showing that you care about something other than your own money and status, you're demonstrating that you're worthy of neither and certainly not worthy of taking or interfering with any of mine.

I'm tired of the whining about how my family got its money. Slaveholding, sweatshop-owning, drug- and gun-running, loansharking, brothel-keeping, draft-dodging, tax evasion, union-busting, whatever — they're all in the past, and none of them have anything to do with me. They especially don't have anything to do with me because I didn't do any of those things myself, and anything I own now that did (or does) has enforceable contracts to do it anyway. That "job" I have is just to keep busy while the other wealth accumulates; I don't really rely upon it, and I expect to get a better-paying one very soon because I deserve it.

I'm tired of the whining about how tough you have it. I have to pay my kids' private-school tuition, too. I shouldn't be expected to sacrifice my lifestyle for the ungrateful little rugrats. In fact, I can't, because it would betray my family's values. My (or my husband's) ancestors would roll over in their graves if I did. And that would disturb the feng shui in the family tomb, which is just not acceptable.

Just go away. I haven't done anything wrong, and there isn't going to be a first step or eleven others. I'm sure as hell not doing step eight. Ever.


Somehow, I don't think an intervention is going to help "Karen." At least not one that refrains from cake and barricades.