- Although he isn't really a spider, Boris has spun a deadly web around his nation's already imperiled democracy in favor of a "secession" achieved by election fraud that will only benefit incompetent industrialists and rich bigots! That's a pretty good opener, but not as much fun as his hair! [canned audience laughter]
- Both The Donald and his
unindicted coconspiratorreal chief of staff, the Thing on Drumpf's Head, take joy in separating migrant and refugee children from their parents and housing the children in conditions too bad for even a jail. He also likes to threaten Mother Nature with nukes… but given everything else he says nobody ever knows if he's serious.
- From a city once named after a violent revolutionary dictator and now named after someone else, welcome, Vlad! You're really fond of election results, both at home and abroad. A little homophobia never hurt anyone who mattered, did it? Neither did any foreign adventurism… or a history as a spy? Comrade Colonel, we enjoy your little jokes more and more every time you show us your abs.
- We're guessing how to spell your name, Xi, because we don't actually have 5,000 letters in our alphabet, so you're last on the list — but not last in our fears! [canned audience groan at bad joke] The Donald is doing his very best to distract attention from the terrible labor conditions that "enable" your trade policies that he doesn't like (bonus: those "manufacturing jobs" wouldn't actually be "great" in the US… if anyone could afford to buy the things they made), but he's not doing so well in the face of ethnic cleansing, antidemocracy crackdowns that make 1989 look benign (although the tanks have neither rolled nor stopped — yet), and imperialism so blatant that you make your own islands to establish a "territorial right". Well done!
So let's have a warm round of applause for our contestants, because when they win — we all lose! [canned audience applause] At least so far, none of today's contestants have actually eaten any of their opponents — but there's still time to try! [canned audience applause, 4 sec. longer]
I'm so disappointed that we don't have a stage as big as the Democratic presidential debates, because there are potential candidates from Austria through Brazil to Zuckerbergistan, and every letter in between! So, Johnny, what do we have for the losers today?
[announcer's voice, off camera] Dag, everyone in the audience gets a free dose of apocalyptic fear — and like you said, they're the real losers!