The 2025 Turkey Awards

An annual tradition for nearly three decades! This is my list of ridiculous people from 2025 (so far). Pass me one of those rolls, please:

• The Greasy Gravy Award for oily publicity that makes the main dish inedible goes to lazy, "cost-efficient" sponsored content — both the providers and the venues.
• The Red-Tide Oyster Stuffing Award for carelessly poisoning an otherwise tasty dish goes to everyone in the chain of command who can't spell "undue command influence" — a fairly important concept (PDF) that helps avoid past US armed forces failures, too. Implied intent to prosecute a retired field-grade officer, after a recall to active duty that would itself probably be unlawful (as one cannot serve multiple branches of the government simultaneously, and Kelly is an elected member of Congress), who warned against mindlessly obeying unlawful orders? Really? That orders are "presumed to be lawful" does not, in any sense, mean that "presumed" means "necessarily are" — that's the entire point of rejecting the legal (as distinct from evidentiary) basis of Calley's defense.
• The Broken Wishbone Award for shattering dreams goes to everyone involved in the government shutdown. Both parties. Both houses of Congress, and the Administration (and even substantial parts of the judiciary).
• The Golden Gristle Award for assertions far too difficult to digest (and usually stuck in one's teeth) goes to the Illinois Supreme Court, which managed to — simultaneously, no less — evade its responsibility to "regulate the profession" in a way that makes the inadequacy of state regulation of the profession irrefutable; demonstrate that electing judges leads directly to conflicts of interest; fail to explain itself to educate either the profession or the public; and leave a "lawyer" able to continue precisely the corrupt practices that formed the background for his prosecution and conviction. Bravo!
• The Conspicuous Consumption Cranberry Relish Award for the most-outrageous example thereof goes to the current Administration, which not only started gold-plating everything at 1600 Pennsylvania that doesn't move — it did so during a government shutdown while recipients of food aid were looking forward to impending starvation.
• The Crabapple Pie Award for marketing something sour as something sweet goes to the Inner Party leadership of both major political parties for ensuring, up and down the ballot, that we're almost always choosing the lesser evil. The Inner Party leaders are supposed to be guardians of the processes of a democratic republic (especially, but not only, against populist demagogues), not all-too-comfortable, all-too-well-paid-through-dubious-means unaccountable power brokers. They've utterly failed.
• The Wilted Salad Award for the one part of the meal that's supposed to be "good for you," but is instead rather past its sell-by date, goes to the DOGE of Venice Beach for trying to apply purported "market efficiencies" to an organization that by its nature operates where markets can't and don't: Governments. Especially those parts of governments that have to deal with the unexpected, right now. P.S. "Efficiency" is not an objective, neutral good thing — just ponder Maxwell's Demon (PDF) and the benefits to the demon of moving those particles around…
• The Brussels Sprout Award for stinky, slimy, overcooked, gentrified little cabbages goes to the organizers of the practice parade. From top to bottom. And the stench is still pervading the kitchen, even after thirty-odd years avoiding them at year-end holidays (they were all too popular Over There).
• The Dried-Out Breastmeat Award for overcooking the books goes to Anthropic and its "colleagues." And the idiots who — rather ironically, given its canonical status in computer science — ignore the aphorism that the perfect is the enemy of the good, while definitely ignoring that perfection is subjective, uncertain, costly, and further delayed. In the best of all possible worlds, that wouldn't be true; neither would ripping off the original expression of authors (not whatever facts are being presented) be so easily excused.
• The Rancid Drumstick Award for something that should be edible, but isn't, goes to all of the participants in Signalgate, who managed to simultaneously demonstrate their contempt for classified information, those who handle classified information, journalists and journalism, and everyone placed in jeopardy with their carelessness/egos. I'm afraid this year we've got a turducken's worth of rancid drumsticks.
• The GMO Tofurkey Roast Award for a main-dish item that's supposed to be more wholesome, nutritious, and/or ethical, but merely hides something that's perhaps worse under that veneer of virtue, goes to Secretary Brainworm and his fellow Know-Nothing allies. I'm starting to think that MAHA stands for Make America Horrible Again.
• The Unwanted Obligatory Guest Award for the guest at the banquet that you had to invite (but wish you didn't have to because you knew would spoil everything) goes to the other bigoted uncle that you're trying to pretend isn't actually related to you, Major Major Major Mr Hegseth. His actions over the past year demonstrate pretty well that he doesn't, in fact, respect the chain of command — and that he's forgotten one of the critical principles of leadership: Respect runs both directions or you end up with both mission failure and mutiny.
• The Leftovers Anticipation Award for something that has returned from the past to haunt the gathering, and cause indigestion, goes to ICE, leftover from eight years ago and gathering ice crystals in the made-in-China-but-imported-before-the-current-round-of-tariffs freezer in the garage.

  The Broken Wishbone Award for shattering dreams goes to [ICE], which thought it was a good idea to effectively repudiate and repeal DACA without even acknowledging a certain poem in New York harbor. (As the rest of the administration has demonstrated, acknowledging either simple humanity or the interest of the public not composed of one's existing campaign contributors would be just too much effort.) Next: All persons who are not protestant northwest Europeans, with long-form birth certificates so proving, will be invited to wear an appropriate yellow armband… probably manufactured at low cost in South/Southeast Asia (with numerous misspellings on the tag and a false "Made in USA" declaration)…

  This isn't any tastier, or more appropriate for an AI-generated-in-the-style-of-Norman-Rockwell picture, than it was in 2017. One wonders what items from this year's spread are going to reappear in the future; quite possibly all of them.

Sorry, there's no room left on the table for the Salmonella Carrot Medley (Artifical Color Added) Award, as it's been retired (and can't stand up to being in the freezer for eight years).