28 September 2024

With One Stone

<SATIRE>

I've had a brilliant idea on how the Heffalumps can cast one stone and kill a bunch of annoying issues. It'll deal with the future of the nation; it'll deal with annoying immigrants (and, in particular, refugeesillegal immigrants); it'll have yuuuuuuuge public health benefits, with all of the best words.

Childless catladies have no stake in America's future, and therefore are un-American (in the most McCarthyist sense possible, regardless of which McCarthy we're talking about with the possible exception of the ventriloquist's dummy). We should round up all un-Americans, childless catladies first.

But what do we do with them then? Well, we've rounded them up, so they need to be put somewhere. I suggest a new concentration camp vacant houses…

…in Springfield, Ohio. In the part of town where Haitian refugees illegal immigrants have gathered, with the strain they're putting on public services.

And if the executive-branch candidate who currently represents Springfield in the US Senate is right, he'll also be ensuring that the refugeesillegal immigrants in that town have an accessible protein source that actually costs the government nothing! Well, except for the cost of the guards (but he'll probably find a lot of volunteers, so maybe not even that). The only real danger is that fans of one of those catladies might overrun the town and distract the guards…

— A Dog-loving Veteran With Kids


†      However, we will make no inquiries whatsoever into whether Friedrich Drumpf was an unaccompanied, undocumented immigrant when he arrived in the US in 1885.