An annual tradition for over two decades! This is my list of ridiculous people from 2021 (so far). Pass me one of those rolls, please:
- The Greasy Gravy Award for oily publicity that makes the main dish inedible goes to Big Oil for its purported change of heart regarding global warming that merely masks a change in tactics, or at least a changed target in its efforts to blame someone else.
- The Red-Tide Oyster Stuffing Award for carelessly poisoning an otherwise tasty dish goes to a certain computer (etc.) company in Cupertino. On the one hand, it inaccurately proclaims its devotion to privacy — and then, a few months later, reveals that it claims ownership over essential parts of its customers' phones at ¶ 70 (PDF).
- The Broken Wishbone Award for shattering dreams goes to landlords who want to evict tenants in the middle of a health emergency because the current ROI isn't good enough. And that's true even for tenants who are up to date on their rent… because one of the other consequences has been an inability to raise rents further. Meanwhile, those same landlords are generally being very quiet about the "ravages of inflation" because they rely upon inflation as a primary, rather predictable source of asset appreciation.
- The Golden Gristle Award for assertions far too difficult to digest (and usually stuck in one's teeth) goes to self-appointed emperor Mark Zuckerberg and his corporate leadership minions at the newly-renamed Meta (which is dead to me, and frankly always has been).
- The Conspicuous Consumption Cranberry Relish Award for the most-outrageous example thereof goes to everyone on this list, primarily because the monomaniacal focus on the past demonstrates that they're not encouraging production of more art.
- The Crabapple Pie Award for marketing something sour as something sweet goes to NFL owners, with a special bonus slice for the city of my alma mater.
- The Wilted Salad Award for the one part of the meal that's supposed to be "good for you," but is instead rather past its sell-by date, goes to the new Seattle City Attorney and her electoral opponent. Elections are supposed to be a good thing… except when they're not, when they undermine the purpose and function of the office being filled, when by even having elections for those offices they allow other, properly-chosen-by-election officials to abrogate their responsibilities.
- The Brussels Sprout Award for stinky, slimy, overcooked, gentrified little cabbages goes to any of several senators-who-would-be-king, especially this one.
- The Dried-Out Breastmeat Award for overcooking the books goes to every single politician who continues to proclaim the validity of the Laffer Curve with their emphasis on "tax cuts" instead of on "comparative value received." Because there are a lot of things for which it's more efficient to do as a "government" than as "private enterprise," like effective defense, public health, and emergency services… for any definition of "effective" that is not an implicit declaration of class warfare against the bottom 90%.
- The Rancid Drumstick Award for something that should be edible, but isn't, goes to the junior senator from Missouri for his utter — but, based on so much else he has spewed forth, entirely expected — ignorance of both literary history and the misbegotten, inaccurate metaphors he would draw from it.
- The GMO Tofurkey Roast Award for a main-dish item that's supposed to be more wholesome, nutritious, and/or ethical, but merely hides something that's perhaps worse under that veneer of virtue, goes to the music industry… and that's just one of many examples from this past year. Streaming was supposed to be the great democratization of music, taking the labels' ability to suppress away, right? Sorry, you just turned over a card other than the queen of spades… Would you like to try again?
Two notes regarding missing guests this year:
First, consider the stereotypical guest-nobody-wants-but-has-to-be-invited-anyway at holiday family gatherings — the self-aggrandizing, bigoted, drunk, lecherous moron with endless opinions on things he/she/they has neither any analytic nor factual basis to even begin understanding. I'm through with that. Since I don't use antisocial media (see above!), I merely ensured that this year's "invitations" were coded so they wouldn't be visible there… and kept a relatively recent immigrant to Florida away who has "invited himself" for the past four years.
Second, as I've done for many years, there's an extra place-setting at my table. This year, it's for someone else we — as a nation — failed… after he didn't fail us, and protected and defended the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. And that uninvited guest in the preceding paragraph is especially responsible.