08 October 2020


With sincere respect to the late, incomparable Thurl Ravenscroft,1 I offer the following description of last night's nationally televised dumpster fire. You know the tune…

You're a mean one, Mister Pence.
You really do not care.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as a bear,
Mister Pence.
You're a bad debater with Apprentice Show hair.
You're a screamer, Mister Pence.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your breath is full of virus.
You've got houseflies in your soul,
Mister Pence.
I'll social distance with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
You politician, Mister Pence.
You have hatred aft your smile,
You have all the sense of fairness of a seasick crocodile,
Mister Pence.
<spoken>Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take </spoken> the seasick crocodile.
You're a foul one, Mister Pence.
You're a nasty talk-show punk!
Your house is full of unused masks,
Your "science" sounds quite drunk,
Mister Pence.
<spoken>The three best words that best describe you, are as follows, and I quote:</spoken>
You're a bully, Mister Pence
You're the rock of Syrian flight3
Your empathy has withered from your holy sense of right
Mister Pence.
<spoken> Your speech was an appalling dump heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, tangled up </spoken>
with truth out of sight.

You disdain me, Mister Pence
Like your condescending boss
You're insurance brokers' ally and you care not what it costs
Mister Pence!
Your party is a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

The clear strategy of the Heffalump campaign is to prevent anyone else from having an opportunity to speak coherently. Probably because even those narcissists know they got nothin'. And it's even worse when there are nasty women standing between them and their continued grasp on power (and ability to keep running out statutes of limitations for their boss)4… and I don't just mean Sen Harris.

The only winner was the fly, which reportedly has into six figures of antisocial media followers since last night. Which calls into question the entire presidential and vice-presidential "debate" meme as useless.

  1. But with neither respect nor anything else for Dr. Seuss Enters., Ltd. Go ahead — make my day. Give me the opportunity to demonstrate both your perfidy and the underinclusiveness of 2Live Crew.
  2. The conclusion doesn't follow from the premises. Just like anything else he says when he invokes "science." He keeps using that word; I do not think it means what he wishes it does.
  3. See Exodus Refugee Immigration, Inc. v. Pence, 838 F.3d 902 (7th Cir. 2016). Of note, all three judges on the panel were Heffalump appointees.
  4. See, e.g., Trump v. Vance, No. [20]20–2766 (2d Cir. 07 Oct. 2020) (PDF).