What should happen tonight on the final episode of Game of Thrones (explicitly without any inside knowledge):
- Dany sits down on the Iron Throne. Drogon sticks his cute little head in… and Arya kills Drogon. During Drogon's death throes, he lets out an immense burst of flame, killing off practically everyone in the throne room and leaving an immense smokescreen (brocade burns pretty nice, you know). As the smoke clears, we see the remnants of the Iron Throne, which has melted down not just to a chunk, but to iron grout between all of the stone and tile pieces in the throne room. Some secondary character then remarks that everybody died anyway; Tyrion notes that nobody won the game for that throne, and calls for election lawyers.
- As a foreigner, Dany is not eligible for Westeros's national health plan. Three maesters present here with a bill for necessary inpatient psychiatric care, which proves more than she has on hand. The Iron Bank offers to lend her the cash, six for five every week or the Whitewalking Mountain will come and tune up your kneecaps. Instead, Dany orders Drogon to incinerate both the bill and the Iron Bank loan officer. Gilly, dressed as Nurse Ratched, leads her away just before the final credits roll; everyone else is terrified of Gilly.
- It's 29 days late, but the pipeweed finally comes in from the South Farthing. Everybody lights up and/or chows down on the brownies; peace and a good time is had by all. Oops, unauthorized crossover (that explains a lot about both series)!
- Plans are announced for a new spinoff: Cersei and Jaime Make a Porno. Everybody's already seen the Ravenvision preview, though, so the pilot doesn't get picked up.
- A twelvepack of Bud Light is spotted on Tyrion's balcony. Peter Dinklage insists vehemently that it must have been someone else's because he only drinks craft-brewed IPAs (no Lannister would stoop to Bud Light).
Westeros. I'm still only in Westeros…