01 April 2006

Hamilton, Bonds to Co-Chair Inquiry

WASHINGTON, 01 April 2006 (Roto-Rooters)—In response to a series of positive tests for banned substances in Congress, cyclist Tyler Hamilton and home-run king Barry Bonds were named as co-chairs of a committee to inquire into their use by current and retired competitors.

The inquiry is to focus primarily upon the "abuse culture" that allegedly dominates all performances in Congress, leading several observers to question whether all legislation passed in the "mammonoid era" should be either stricken from the U.S. Code or marked with an asterisk.

Hamilton and Bonds were selected to chair the inquiry due to their experiences with other inquiries. A highly placed anonymous source in the House Ethics Committee indicated that their respective experiences were believed both relevant to this inquiry and would ensure that the inquiry "does not become a witch-hunt assuming guilt upon accusation."

The "mammonoid era" allegedly began thirty years ago after an anonymous regulatory decision restricted regulation of mammonoids among members of Congress. Capitol insiders assert that mammonoids are essential in "lubricating the wheels of government." Although some outside observers continue to express skepticism on whether mammonoids are truly essential, they concede that modern government has developed a disturbing dependency upon them.

The most commonly available mammonoid, known as 4-chloro-3,5-nitro-tetrahydromammonone anhydrate, is both a precursor to and metabolite of performance-enhancing legislative substances. Previous efforts to limit trafficking in mammonoids have proven at best inconclusive. Senator Jefferson Smith (I-Wash.) remarked that "Prohibition was a lot more effective in stopping the flow of alcohol than any of our efforts to stop mammonoids."

Spokespersons for Hamilton and Bond refused to comment or speculate upon either committee procedures or the makeup of its staff.