01 April 2005

Premier Division Announces CES Policy

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—The G12 law reviews announced today that, effective immediately, all players in the Premier Division of the Law Review League will be tested for citability-enhancing substances. Players will be tested for excess cellulose at the initial review stage. Any player with a calculated in-print total cellulose mass index greater than 91.8 grams may be in violation of the policy, although the G12's management committee refused to state the consequences for exceeding allowable cellulose levels. The G12's spokesman did not indicate whether testing results would be made public.

Reaction to the G12's announcement was decidedly mixed. Michael Froomkin, Miami's star left wing, remarked that the G12's policy was based on "a very blunt instrument and… verges on a mistake." Froomkin freely admitted that he had been responsible for several incidents that probably violate the announced guidelines. Froomkin was far from alone; Pittsburgh midfielder Michael Madison wondered aloud how G12 managers—who uniformly had no playing experience themselves—could set such a specific test policy that would apply to all players, regardless of whether the particular player's citeability had been improperly enhanced by excessive use of cellulose.

Anonymous sources in the player's association also questioned whether the cellulose mass index accurately measures improper citability enhancement. One pointed out that a hulking centerback responsible for organizing a complete defense will almost certainly need more cellulose than will a free-kick specialist. Another objected that citability enhancement only seems to be a problem among the youngest players and those looking to test the market in free agency, and questioned whether the rule should apply to tenured veterans.

An anonymous source with access to G12 managers expressed puzzlement at the opposition, noting that 90% of the players polled had supported some kind of restriction on citability enhancement. When pressed, however, he was unable to state whether the players had agreed that cellulose mass index measures citability enhancement. His only response was "Like we learned two years ago in Torts, sometimes res ipsa loquitur."

Outside observers questioned whether cellulose abuse remains the most serious problem. Two experts contend that AGH (article growth hormone) is far more prevalent than is mere cellulose abuse, particularly in this day of electronic performance tracking and distribution. Unfortunately, there is no direct test for AGH, as it is rapidly metabolized during the tenure process.

Given the high tensions between players and management, Congressional hearings are only a matter of time—or perhaps a tell-all memoir from some washed-up emeritus admitting to extensive cellulose abuse—away. That sad spectacle might mark the end of the Premier Division's dominance of other clubs in the League.

Note the date. And if you've gotten this far without figuring out something was amiss…