01 April 2004

WASHINGTON, DC (April 1, 2004) In an extra-innings thriller, Bedroc Mines defeated the US Department of the Interior team by a 6-3 score. Only a last-minute double steal by Clarence "The Silent" Thomas and Stephen Breyer turning on two words in a statute repealed forty years ago gave Bedroc the win. Unnamed sources at Bedroc claimed that this game would "go down in history."

PITTSBURGH, PA (April 1, 2004) A fifteen-year-old girl was arrested two days ago for posting child pornography on the Internet. According to police sources, the unnamed defendant had posted pictures of a fifteen-year-old girl in various states of undress and performing unspecified sexual acts. The names of the arrestee and of the victim are being withheld in accordance with local policy. Even though they're the same. Police department officials denied allegations that the victim would be asked to disrobe in open court to prove her identity, and noted that even if she did it would not be child pornography because photography is prohibited in courtrooms.

THE GALAPAGOS ISLANDS (April 1, 2004) In a startling development, a Supreme Being held a press conference at these isolated islands, claiming that he had specifically created each and every creature and plant on these islands strictly to keep scientists so busy that they could not discover the single language that in ancient times united all of humanity. "There is no evolution—I made everything perfectly the first time," he said. He denied several assertions from reporters that he is really the entity known to Christianity as God. When asked how he explained the human appendix, he exclaimed that "If I told you everything, you humans would just find something more dangerous to do. You might even stop electing Texans to national office in the United States if you can pull your puny attention away from highschool textbooks."

The press conference ended when a reporter asked how the Supreme Being explained his uncanny resemblance to a picture from a Waco, TX Easter pageant in which a Baylor University professor played God. Attempts to reach the professor and one of his graduate students for comment proved unavailing; a secretary noted that the two men had suddenly gone on a trip to South America and would be back over the weekend.

Note for the amusement-impaired: One of the above items doesn't go with the others—it's true. Mostly, anyway.